Question:
morceaux, that was truly appalling that you have lived thru all of that. Your childhod and mine are very similar. You are doing very well because you have survived and are sane. That is a miracle. It proves how strong you are. You will continue to do well. Recovery IS possible. The pain DOES lessen greatly. One day you will awake to find you are no longer haunted by it. All the responsibilty for that pain you suffered/suffer belongs to the perps and not to you. NONE of it is your fault. best wishes
Response:
It always truly amazes me how some people can cling to survival inspite of the odds. I hope you give yourself the credit you deserve. Your truly amazing for having survived this incredible life and are now able with difficulty even to relate it. I really do amire you for your strength, you have a lot to offer. Stephanie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -damorce…@mailhot.com (morceaux) wrote: >Hoy People, >This isn’t an introduction. I’m really tired right now >because I was up half the night sorting stuff to prepare >for packing and then after I got the kids off to school >and my husband off to work this morning, I couldn’t go >back to bed for an nap like I’d have liked to because I >hadda go to therapy (where I didn’t have to talk about this >newsgroup, which is sorta nice. Come to think about it, I >don’t think I’ve ever talked about this newsgroup in therapy. >Wonder if I’m compartmentalizing more than I already thought >I did?). >So it’s not an introduction but I have this weird desire >to *qualify* myself here in a little more detail than I >have in the past. Now’s the time to reiterate that this >post is gonna have lots of triggery stuff in it including >specific descriptions of traumatic events including >violence and sexual abuse, etc. >I was raised by a violent sadistic sexual predator who >was (is) probably a psychopath. According to his mother, >he was sexually abusing me by the time I was a few weeks >old. Of course I don’t have any memories that far back >but I do know that there is no period of my childhood in >our memories that didn’t include sexual abuse ranging from >fondling to forced penetration including digits, penis, >and various items such as dildos, guns, police-style batons, >etc. >My primary abuser was my sperm donor. The woman that >expelled me from her womb and who raised me was aware of >the abuse because my sperm donor never tried to hide it. >While she never verbally condoned the abuse, she often >set us up for it and certainly never made any attempt to >stop it. >My abuser was also into physical abuse disguised as >’discipline’ and physical and psychological torture that >included bondage, burning with cigarettes, electrical >shocks, whippings with wires, belts and anything else >that came into his hands, games of ‘russian roulette’ >where we were led to believe (and to this day I don’t >know if it was true or not) that the weapon had a >bullet in it and that nothing would please him more >than to ‘win.’ Some of our very earliest memories are >about gun-games. >We were able to get out of our sperm donor’s house when >we were 14, and the abuse from then to age 17 was much >less frequent, since in those 3 years we were only in >his house perhaps a total of 9 months. We got out by >acting crazy and making frequent ’suicide attempts’ until >we were pretty much institutionalized. We did that on >purpose. We knew that no one would protect us, and we >believed, rightly so, that we would be safer in a state- >funded mental hospital than we were at home. We were >abused in the hospital too, but when you get fondled >by a fellow nut once a week or once a month, or get your >face slammed into a wall by a hospital aide three or >four times in a year, that’s pretty mild shit compared >to what happened in our sperm donor’s house. We finally >were able to permanently leave our sperm donors house at >the age of 17 after he decided it was appropriate behavior >to stick a gun in our face in front of a date while he >explained to us and the date who owned this body and who >was allowed to use it. >Shortly after I left, my baby sister confided to me that >he was raping her. We were actually at that point able >to have him arrested because when she told me, there >had been a rape the night before and there was some >physical evidence. He copped a plea and ended up >serving no time but he *did* get convicted of child >sexual abuse and incest. He has many other convictions >for things like assault, and I know that he’s been >charged with at least one other rape and and an arson. >I discovered drugs when I was in the third grade. Yes, >I mean the third year of school, age 9. By the time I >was free and clear of my abusers at age 17, I was doing >enormous amounts of drugs and was completely strung out. >I started trying to get clean in 1982, but wasn’t able >to really stay off of drugs until 1986. At this point >I’ve been free of all drugs including alcohol for over >12 years. >In my life, aside from the abuse we survived at the hands >of the people that society called our parents, I’ve gone >through the loss of 4 pregnancies and the death of a >newborn. I have two healthy children, ages 9 and 16, and >while I’m very grateful that they survived, I wanted every >child I ever conceived and I still grieve the 5 that didn’t >make it. I went through a horrible marriage that last 8 >years and was a constant nightmare of sexual abuse at the >hands of my husband, followed up by a vicious divorce that >included the loss of custody of both of my children for a >period of 15 months. Both of my children have been >sexually moleste. My son was raped at age 3 by the son >of a babysitter that my husband had hired, and fondled >at age 9 by a man I had rented a room to. My son molested >my daughter when she was 3. And five years ago, I was >violently raped by a man I barely knew. >Currently I’m married to a non-abusive mate who step- >parents my children as best he can and has a strong >commitment to me and my children. My son has undergone a >two-year treatment program for youth sex offenders and my >daughter has gone through therapy to help resolve the abuse >she suffered from her brother. Both of my son’s molesters >were arrested as soon as we discovered what had happened. >His rapist was only 12 and was forced into treatment. I >don’t know how he’s doing today. The adult that molested >him when he was 9 served 8 months of a 2 year sentence and >is now a registered sex offender. I don’t know if he’s >ever undergone any sort of valid treatment. >My ex-husband has not contacted us in over 2 years. While >my children miss him very much, it’s a huge relief to have >him out of my life and not constantly threatening me or >harrassing me. But in order to fulfil my obligations to >my kids, I have to do things like send him an email with >our new address when we move, and that triggers the shit >out of me. I live in fear that he’ll show up on my doors- >step with a ream of attorneys and demand custody of my >children again. >My diagnosis are PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. >We’re in therapy and working toward integration. But one >of the nasty things a person with DID finds out when they >choose integration is that as integration progresses, PTSD >symptoms get worse. >While outwardly our life looks very good right now, I’m >having a bitch of a time just trying to function. I’m >not on any medication right now. I go through periods >when I do okay without medication so my Doc and I wean >me free. But things have been really horrible the last >couple of weeks. I should probably talk to my Doc about >going back on meds again until we’re a little more stable. >Lately, suicidal thoughts have been a problem, and we’re >dissociating more than we had been in recent months. Plus >there’s all the pseudo-physiological crap that goes with >PTSD, feelings of body numbness, phantom pains that match >past abuses, insomnia, nightmares, hypervigilance, hyper- >sensitivity to noise, excessive startle reflexes, etc. etc. >ad nauseam. Boy that list gets old. >I’m exausted. I’m going to go take a nap. >morceaux >– >My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone. >My email is really hotmail, not mailhot
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