Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Sorry. I just have to say something. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at everybody. And you are part of everybody. Spoiler for explaining why I’m mad. I’m talking of stuff that works for others, that doesn’t work for us, and we are talking about our first traumatic experiences. This might be unsettling, so please be safe, okay? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 I don’t know how we should continue to be part of this group, when most of the posts just hurt us. I feel so different. I am different. As there are no two lifes that are the same, there are so many different ways to cope. Maybe stuff like establishing inside communication for example is helpful for 90% of people with DID. Or even for 99%. We can have inside meetings with more than 100 members, or with only 5, we can communicate in all ways back and forth… we can do almost everything anybody wants us to do. We already could do this before we started therapy. But for some odd reasons there was this strong desire to k*ll myself, which became stronger and stronger. We can integrate and blend and disintegrate and blend back. We can get alters out to handle the situations they can handle. We can get our feelings out and afterwards be together enough to go on with our life. Strange that the strong desire to k*ll myself became even stronger. We’ve worked on stuff in therapy for years, again and again, but strangely enough, as soon as we were home again and alone, it all disappeared again. We can have a session where we disagree with our therapist, have all the feelings, get closer, work on it and say good-bye feeling safe again, and then we have a dream the following night where she says nasty things on the phone, and this dream is more real than reality, so the littles are convinced she really said this stuff, whereas I know this was a dream. But I know it in my "world", and the littles know what they know in their "world". We can communicate about this, but we end up with "yes, that’s true for me, and the other thing is true for the littles". My reality is only one of several hundred realities. And it feels equally real or unreal as the others. We don’t have a clue what’s reality for outside people. And we came to the conclusion that this pattern, how we are organised, has a relation to our first traumatic experiences: during birth, and the days after birth. We have such a lot in common with autistic people. We think and feel the way autistic people think and feel. We percieve the world the same way. Autism is considered to be an early developmental disorder. So here we are. Birth is a very early stage. We found that we’ve been physically dead several times before birth. That the caesarian section meant for the baby they killed my mother for getting me out there. And then I didn’t see and touch my mother for days and days, so she remained dead forever. The only feeling of reality and linear time is: There was something good. A safe place and a person who loved me. And now the place is gone forever and the person is dead. All that came afterwards is imagination and fantasy. Nothing that happened afterwards, was real. And our self never made it into this reality, or outside world. It still waits to get born. And we can’t do this on our own. We are in the wrong dimension/reality. Only a person of the outside world can get our self into the outside world. I wonder if we’d ever be able to retrieve memories. How should I retrieve a memory if all of my being was in a text marker, while something happened? We’ve never felt like being in our body, and we’ve never felt that alters "come out" from somewhere inside. We feel like bubbles floating around in the room where the body is. We are in objects. We think in pictures and patterns. Communicating with outside people feels like being on mars in a foreign culture with a foreign language, and every mars-inhabitant thinks I’m on mars, so I must be a mars-inhabitant, too and treats me like a mars-inhabitant. And needing help from these people means, after years of panic, rage and overwhelming fear, that I’d have to first pretend to really be a mars-inhabitant, learn the language and the culture, but then, when it comes to the point where I need help, I’m still from Earth, speak German and have a German cultural background. And people continue to treat me like a mars-inhabitant, because they don’t know anything else and they’ve never been on earth. And they apply the rules on me, that are helpful for mars-inhabitants. I could scream and scream. Are there so very few people like me? Who are so severely damaged at such an early developmental level, who made it to come so far? Who could relate? Who could join me? I don’t know if I can read and post on asd any longer. I don’t feel at home in the autism group either, scared of all these FMSF people. Maybe I’ll go on lurking a while, if I can stand it. We are so much in pain and at war with the outside world, it has really nothing to do with you. We just can’t connect or be supportive at the moment. Thank you, ACESTAR, for your understanding. Chiquitita —               How everything in life comes down to this          at last surviving and living, determined not to give in                     (Agnetha, I’m still alive) — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – everybody. And you are part of everybody. Spoiler for explaining why I’m mad. I’m talking of stuff that works for others, that doesn’t work for us, and we are talking about our first traumatic experiences. This might be unsettling, so please be safe, okay? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 I don’t know how we should continue to be part of this group, when most of the posts just hurt us. I feel so different. I am different. As there are no two lifes that are the same, there are so many different ways to cope. Maybe stuff like establishing inside communication for example is helpful for 90% of people with DID. Or even for 99%. We can have inside meetings with more than 100 members, or with only 5, we can communicate in all ways back and forth… we can do almost everything anybody wants us to do. We already could do this before we started therapy. But for some odd reasons there was this strong desire to k*ll myself, which became stronger and stronger. We can integrate and blend and disintegrate and blend back. We can get alters out to handle the situations they can handle. We can get our feelings out and afterwards be together enough to go on with our life. Strange that the strong desire to k*ll myself became even stronger. We’ve worked on stuff in therapy for years, again and again, but strangely enough, as soon as we were home again and alone, it all disappeared again. We can have a session where we disagree with our therapist, have all the feelings, get closer, work on it and say good-bye feeling safe again, and then we have a dream the following night where she says nasty things on the phone, and this dream is more real than reality, so the littles are convinced she really said this stuff, whereas I know this was a dream. But I know it in my "world", and the littles know what they know in their "world". We can communicate about this, but we end up with "yes, that’s true for me, and the other thing is true for the littles". My reality is only one of several hundred realities. And it feels equally real or unreal as the others. We don’t have a clue what’s reality for outside people. And we came to the conclusion that this pattern, how we are organised, has a relation to our first traumatic experiences: during birth, and the days after birth. We have such a lot in common with autistic people. We think and feel the way autistic people think and feel. We percieve the world the same way. Autism is considered to be an early developmental disorder. So here we are. Birth is a very early stage. We found that we’ve been physically dead several times before birth. That the caesarian section meant for the baby they killed my mother for getting me out there. And then I didn’t see and touch my mother for days and days, so she remained dead forever. The only feeling of reality and linear time is: There was something good. A safe place and a person who loved me. And now the place is gone forever and the person is dead. All that came afterwards is imagination and fantasy. Nothing that happened afterwards, was real. And our self never made it into this reality, or outside world. It still waits to get born. And we can’t do this on our own. We are in the wrong dimension/reality. Only a person of the outside world can get our self into the outside world. I wonder if we’d ever be able to retrieve memories. How should I retrieve a memory if all of my being was in a text marker, while something happened? We’ve never felt like being in our body, and we’ve never felt that alters "come out" from somewhere inside. We feel like bubbles floating around in the room where the body is. We are in objects. We think in pictures and patterns. Communicating with outside

Chiquitita,      We don’t know what to say.  We admire you for your courage in posting here on ASD.  We know that we don’t know each other, but we can sense your pain through your writing.  We feel real bad for you, and how hard it must be for you right now.  We’re wanting to help but know that we can do nothing. We know that you have to suffer even though we don’t want you to.  We have no advice for you only the comfort that someone out there cares for you, and what happens to you.  We too are suffering from a strong desire to hurt / kill our self.  We try every day to keep going.  It’s hard but we keep doing it.  We know the pain cuz we feel it too.  We hope that you find peace very soon.  Take care please….. l’il t. <<

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