Question:
Curtis wrote…..
~I clipped it all because it made me cry~ get tired of struggling every day. Cindy Having a real bad week too.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi all. I’m sorry, I’m just bummed out and had to vent. But hey, writing is better than walking around my house with worry. Like I said, "this really sucks". I feel as if my life has stopped and now every moment I have is spent dealing with all of this crap. The anxiety, the worry, the fear, the depression. "Will I ever be normal again?" "Will I ever be able to find relaxed enjoyment in the things I used to again?" I don’t know, it’s been a real rough number of weeks. Like I said, my life seems to have stopped. Every waking hour is spend gauging how I feel, and scared out of my tree that I will never get back on a even keel. I’m spending more and more time in my house, I just don’t feel comfortable when I go out and spend most of my time wanting to go home. It’s no fun getting out just to go through the motions so that I don’t start to develop agoraphobia. I’ve been experiencing a lot what seems to be some sort of derealization (based on what I’ve read). Whenever I’m in a social situation it seems like I’m not really there. It’s like I’m on a completely different level or state of consciousness than everthing else. I feel like I’m locked inside my head and everything happening around me is all a dream. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but everything just seems "different" and I don’t feel "normal". I’m starting to get better at staying calm through this stage ("separating my physical symptoms from my cognitive state of mind" as I put it), but every once in a while the thoughts that "I am going crazy and I will always feel like this" slip into my mind and the anxiety and depression start to snowball. I went through some sort of big depression about three/four years ago, and carried a lot of damage from that. The past years have been spent repairing that damage. Building the self-esteem, addressing my personal insecurities, seeking a more positive outlook on life. Things were going so good, I could really notice that I was building myself into a better and stronger person. Now, all of a sudden, BANG!, all of this stuff starts. While I have had episodes of depression over the past couple of years (that seemed to come out of nowhere and at times very intense for short periods, suggesting some sort of chemical thing… I dunno), it was always something I could deal with and ride it out. All of this anxiety and panic attacks have really thrown me for a loop. I really down want to go down in that hole again; I had enough of sitting in my room in the dark listening to "Nirvana" and writing crappy, depressed poetry in high school thak you very much! Like I said, It seems like my life has stopped and all of this personal progress has been but on hold while I sit in my house in fear of what’s happening to me. (great big *SIGH*) Aw well. Just gotta fight, but it’s really wearing me down. Wa wa, boo hoo. I’m sorry, I just had to get all of this off of my chest and dump it all somewhere. But I do feel a little better now (or is that the Ativan…no the Ativan sucks, I like the Xanax better.) And hey, at least I havn’t had an actual panic attack in a couple of days! Curtis (Insert token quote Here:) "Here I am. I’m just looking for better days – the kind that never seem to come my way. So here I am. I’m just looking for better days – the kind that never seem to come just when you need ‘em most." -Strung Out (Actually, I’m feeling a lot better now. So here’s a better quote:) "Well I was walking down the street With my head held high Thinking everything was alright When a big fat bird came and shit on my head Man that’s the story of my life." -The Queers (There, that’s a little more positive and humorous!)
Hey everybody. I just want to thank you all for responding to my "venting" and really really being great support. That was cool, made me feel a lot better. Funny thing is, I really wasn’t doing all that bad at that point. It just seems that all of that stuff was building up and I had to dump it somewhere. Tried to do it with friends and family, but they don’t really understand what I’m going through to much and I didn’t feel comfortable spewing everything onto them. So thanks for being there and listening! Funny thing is, the past two days have been a lot worse physically, but I’ve had my head in it for the most part. I ran out of my Ativan two days ago and yesterday I had the first panic attack in close to a week. Felt a little "off" all day and things just escalated. Didn’t sleep well that night either and today I felt like absolute crap! Had this really wierd gravity thing going where I was spaced out, dizzy, and a headache and my body was so heavy, like gravity was trying to suck me into the center of the earth. All day I felt like this huge foot was stepping on me, grinding me into the ground. It was hell, felt like I had been run over by a truck! It was cool though, I delt with it pretty good and rode it out without freaking out so bad. Went to the doctor today for a physical and I’m healthy so I’m not so worried that I have, like cancer or heart disease or something. Also, got back on the Xanax so I feel pretty good right now. Doc. said to come back in a couple of weeks to see how things or going and then we’ll go from there so…we’ll see what happens. Anyway, thanks again for being so great and responding and listening to me dump out all stuff out! You guys are great. Curtis (Insert Token quote here:) "Never look down Never look down Just keep my focus straight ahead and try to walk this line." -Face To Face
Response:
writes: Hi all. I’m sorry, I’m just bummed out and had to vent.<snip Wa wa, boo hoo. I’m sorry, I just had to get all of this off of my chest and dump it all somewhere.
Venting is welcome here 
That’s what support groups are all about. I too suffer from depresion, it comes and goes, and I fear depression more than I fear a PA. At least a PA last a few seconds, minutes at the most, but *my* depressions can last years. So don’t worry about venting. There are 2 clases of people in ASAP, those who have vented, and those who will vent Rosita Vented, ranted, cried, teased, laughed….
Response:
Curtis. . .you are not alone. I deal with depression and PAD as well. This group has helped me alot. Personally, I have found 10 mg of paxil with a side of Xanax daily has made me a new person. Venting is good, we all have pretty broad shoulders here. We all try to help each other. If I can be of any help. . .I am just an email away. Regards. . .Doug :O) =8-O <——Me having a panic attack
Response:
: Hi all. I’m sorry, I’m just bummed out and had to vent. Hi Curtis, Sorry to hear you’re soo bummed. I know what it’s like. I would (and still do on occasion) get bad mood days, that like bad weather come and go with drizzles and downpours. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it just comes with our disorders. : But hey, : writing is better than walking around my house with worry. I find watching stupid, boring television helps sometimes. : Like I said, : "this really sucks". I feel as if my life has stopped and now every : moment I have is spent dealing with all of this crap. Things can really suck for a while. In my case, things kind of really sucked for several years. But hang in there, even typhoons don’t last forever. : The anxiety, the : worry, the fear, the depression. "Will I ever be normal again?" "Will : I ever be able to find relaxed enjoyment in the things I used to again?" : I don’t know, it’s been a real rough number of weeks. Like I said, my : life seems to have stopped. Every waking hour is spend gauging how I : feel, and scared out of my tree that I will never get back on a even : keel. Again, I can only say that I know the feeling, and know it eventually passes. : I’m spending more and more time in my house, I just don’t feel : comfortable when I go out and spend most of my time wanting to go home. : It’s no fun getting out just to go through the motions so that I don’t : start to develop agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is one tough bitch. : I’ve been experiencing a lot what seems to be some sort of derealization : (based on what I’ve read). Whenever I’m in a social situation it seems : like I’m not really there. It’s like I’m on a completely different : level or state of consciousness than everthing else. I feel like I’m : locked inside my head and everything happening around me is all a dream. : I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but everything just seems "different" : and I don’t feel "normal". I would usually feel like a foot-thickness of glass stood between me and everyone else. For a while, I blamed myself for lacking social skills, but it eventually turned out that my anxiety-panic disorder simply made it easy for me to get overloaded with social stimulation. : I’m starting to get better at staying calm : through this stage ("separating my physical symptoms from my cognitive : state of mind" as I put it), but every once in a while the thoughts that : "I am going crazy and I will always feel like this" slip into my mind : and the anxiety and depression start to snowball. You are NOT going crazy, and you will NOT always feel like this. : I went through some sort of big depression about three/four years ago, : and carried a lot of damage from that. The past years have been spent : repairing that damage. Building the self-esteem, addressing my personal : insecurities, seeking a more positive outlook on life. Things were : going so good, I could really notice that I was building myself into : a better and stronger person. Now, all of a sudden, BANG!, all of this : stuff starts. We all get setbacks, but we never fail as long as we keep trying. It’s OK to trip up now and then, and just sit back and take a break. It’s a rough trip that wears us down, so we don’t have to make progress every day or every week, just so long as we get back up again and keep moving forward eventually. : While I have had episodes of depression over the past : couple of years (that seemed to come out of nowhere and at times very : intense for short periods, suggesting some sort of chemical thing… I : dunno), it was always something I could deal with and ride it out. All : of this anxiety and panic attacks have really thrown me for a loop. I : really down want to go down in that hole again; I had enough of sitting : in my room in the dark listening to "Nirvana" and writing crappy, : depressed poetry in high school thak you very much! Hey, don’t knock Nirvana and writing crappy poetry. I do that too from time to time. It can promote a temporary futility jag, but it’s really a healthy artistic thing to do. : Like I said, It : seems like my life has stopped and all of this personal progress has : been but on hold while I sit in my house in fear of what’s happening : to me. My life and progress stopped for six years. I used the time to write crapy poetry and stories and teach myself how to do Tarot readings and read paleontology books and lots of other stuff that most people would consider pointless. But then, sometimes life is just about living and not about getting anywhere. : (great big *SIGH*) Aw well. Just gotta fight, but it’s really wearing : me down. You’re just as human as the rest of us. : Wa wa, boo hoo. I’m sorry, I just had to get all of this off of my : chest and dump it all somewhere. Well, you’ve come to the right place to dump! Everyone knows I’ve dumped here a few times. I probably Boo Hoo in ASAP about four times a year on average. It’s just part of what a support group is about. : But I do feel a little better now Good! : (or : is that the Ativan…no the Ativan sucks, I like the Xanax better.) I like Xanax too. : And hey, at least I havn’t had an actual panic attack in a couple of : days! Very good! Post or e-mail us anytime. Best Wishes, Arthur
Response:
Hi all. I’m sorry, I’m just bummed out and had to vent. But hey, writing is better than walking around my house with worry. Like I said, "this really sucks". I feel as if my life has stopped and now every moment I have is spent dealing with all of this crap. The anxiety, the worry, the fear, the depression. "Will I ever be normal again?" "Will I ever be able to find relaxed enjoyment in the things I used to again?" I don’t know, it’s been a real rough number of weeks. Like I said, my life seems to have stopped. Every waking hour is spend gauging how I feel, and scared out of my tree that I will never get back on a even keel. I’m spending more and more time in my house, I just don’t feel comfortable when I go out and spend most of my time wanting to go home. It’s no fun getting out just to go through the motions so that I don’t start to develop agoraphobia. I’ve been experiencing a lot what seems to be some sort of derealization (based on what I’ve read). Whenever I’m in a social situation it seems like I’m not really there. It’s like I’m on a completely different level or state of consciousness than everthing else. I feel like I’m locked inside my head and everything happening around me is all a dream. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but everything just seems "different" and I don’t feel "normal". I’m starting to get better at staying calm through this stage ("separating my physical symptoms from my cognitive state of mind" as I put it), but every once in a while the thoughts that "I am going crazy and I will always feel like this" slip into my mind and the anxiety and depression start to snowball. I went through some sort of big depression about three/four years ago, and carried a lot of damage from that. The past years have been spent repairing that damage. Building the self-esteem, addressing my personal insecurities, seeking a more positive outlook on life. Things were going so good, I could really notice that I was building myself into a better and stronger person. Now, all of a sudden, BANG!, all of this stuff starts. While I have had episodes of depression over the past couple of years (that seemed to come out of nowhere and at times very intense for short periods, suggesting some sort of chemical thing… I dunno), it was always something I could deal with and ride it out. All of this anxiety and panic attacks have really thrown me for a loop. I really down want to go down in that hole again; I had enough of sitting in my room in the dark listening to "Nirvana" and writing crappy, depressed poetry in high school thak you very much! Like I said, It seems like my life has stopped and all of this personal progress has been but on hold while I sit in my house in fear of what’s happening to me. (great big *SIGH*) Aw well. Just gotta fight, but it’s really wearing me down. Wa wa, boo hoo. I’m sorry, I just had to get all of this off of my chest and dump it all somewhere. But I do feel a little better now (or is that the Ativan…no the Ativan sucks, I like the Xanax better.) And hey, at least I havn’t had an actual panic attack in a couple of days! Curtis (Insert token quote Here:) "Here I am. I’m just looking for better days – the kind that never seem to come my way. So here I am. I’m just looking for better days – the kind that never seem to come just when you need ‘em most." -Strung Out (Actually, I’m feeling a lot better now. So here’s a better quote:) "Well I was walking down the street With my head held high Thinking everything was alright When a big fat bird came and shit on my head Man that’s the story of my life." -The Queers (There, that’s a little more positive and humorous!)
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