Question:
(Alaine Blackwell) writes: Will it help him if I confront him, address the issue, he then realizing that he is making excuses, or do you think he already knows he’s making excuses? I’m lost.
This is a bit late, sorry, I have been really busy. Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you. I know when I started having PD 7 years ago I had just broken up with someone so I wasnt exactly in the same spot your boyfriend is but maybe tellling you how I felt will in some way help you understand, although it may have nothing to do with it too. When I started PD I was scared to death and stopped socializing at all for 3 years. When I did start taking medication and seeing a therapist it took some time before I felt like socializing again. But, it took even longer for me to try and be in a relationship again. My feelings were that why should I put this much strain on a relationship with me having PD and the other person having to suffer if I couldnt go out, etc, and they might dump me anyway, so why bother. (Stupid, really) I couldnt see making someone I cared about suffer through my ups and downs, my hypochondria, my constant trips to the hospital, my mood swings, etc etc. I felt it wouldnt be fair to the other individual. As I started to recover (if you ever do), I realized that I could be in a relationship but would tell the person what I had, PD, make them read the book the *Anxiety Disease* (not on the first date of course….:) ) and let them decide for themselves if they wanted to date me. They did. And the few times I had PA’s (one during sex…how embarrassing but he was a real sweetie about it and helped me calm down) came and went without incident. Of course there was one short relationship that ended because every time I got pissed off at him he would say *Oh, youre just having a PA*….that really made me mad……hey it was PMS not PD!!!!!! If you havent *confronted * him already on this issue, my suggestion is to outright ask him if the reason he is avoiding you is because he has PD and doesnt want to make you suffer with him. And if you really want him, let him know it doesnt matter, that you want to be with him no matter what and will help him anyway you can. Just my 2 cents worth. Cyndie
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey Guys, I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend knows he has panic attacks. He is going to therapy and taking medication, which is a good thing. For the past 2 weeks he’s been pushing me away. He’ll tell me that he wants me to come over, then when I get there he ignores me. I made a suggestion that maybe I should go home and he didn’t want that either. He keep making excuses why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or do anything with me. He’ll say he can’t because he wants to spend time with the cat, or he’ll say he had a beer, it’s just one excuse after another. Should I confront him? I know the real reason why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or go anywhere with me is the panic attacks. I completely understand, but he doesn’t have to lie or make excuses. Will it help him if I confront him, address the issue, he then realizing that he is making excuses, or do you think he already knows he’s making excuses? I’m lost. Alaine
Hi Alaine: I’m a little rusty on how one handles situations with boyfriends. :) I just read through Cathleen’s excellent post suggesting how to handle the situation and agree with all she says. I think her suggestion of choosing the right moment to discuss what’s happening for him right now is the way to go IMO. The more open discussion between the two of you the better. Perhaps his therapist would agree to your coming to a session or two, so that the two of you can discuss the situation with the therapist there to help out? You need some help too, as watching someone you care about going through the trauma of PD is very hard to take. Lots of quiet talk, hugs and telling each other that you’re there for the other is the best therapy of all. He’s very lucky to have you for a friend Alaine. Take care, please let us know how it goes. Mally 
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey Guys, I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend knows he has panic attacks. He is going to therapy and taking medication, which is a good thing. For the past 2 weeks he’s been pushing me away. He’ll tell me that he wants me to come over, then when I get there he ignores me. I made a suggestion that maybe I should go home and he didn’t want that either. He keep making excuses why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or do anything with me. He’ll say he can’t because he wants to spend time with the cat, or he’ll say he had a beer, it’s just one excuse after another. Should I confront him? I know the real reason why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or go anywhere with me is the panic attacks. I completely understand, but he doesn’t have to lie or make excuses. Will it help him if I confront him, address the issue, he then realizing that he is making excuses, or do you think he already knows he’s making excuses? I’m lost. Alaine
Hi Alaine, I want to say, first, that it sounds to me like you are an understanding girlfriend; it’s almost as if you know more about panic disorder than your boyfriend does! I’ve read posts by a number of people on ASAP who have had unsupportive partners, and I think your boyfriend is lucky to be dating someone who is so concerned. I definitely think you should talk to him–it needn’t be confrontational. You don’t have to be angry or argumentative; in fact, it might be best to set aside some time to talk rather than confront him right when he’s making one of these excuses. You really have no way of knowing what’s going on in his head until you ask directly. I will admit: my bias is that couples should be able to ask each other anything and talk about anything openly. It may take time to be able to do this comfortably (it did in my relationship), but it’s well worth the effort. That said, I’d like to say that it’s not unusual for him to be pushing you away right now. As someone with PD, I can tell you that there are times when I just want to be completely isolated. And I will attempt to push away my very loving, supportive, understanding boyfriend. This can really hurt a relationship if it’s not discussed openly. Now, when I get into that mood, I just tell him. He understands why and has come to realize that it has nothing to do with him as a person. Reaching this point hasn’t been easy, but our relationship is stronger because of it. Your boyfriend won’t know you understand so well until you tell him. And you won’t know what he wants until you ask. So, yes, do talk to him, but try it gently first. Let him know that you want to work on these issues *with* him (if that’s what you want to do). There’s also the possibility of attending one of his therapy sessions together. However you can manage it, set aside some time to get these feelings and issues out in the open. Take care, Cathleen
Response:
Talk to him about it, but not in a confrontational way. Let him know you understand. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey Guys, I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend knows he has panic attacks. He is going to therapy and taking medication, which is a good thing. For the past 2 weeks he’s been pushing me away. He’ll tell me that he wants me to come over, then when I get there he ignores me. I made a suggestion that maybe I should go home and he didn’t want that either. He keep making excuses why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or do anything with me. He’ll say he can’t because he wants to spend time with the cat, or he’ll say he had a beer, it’s just one excuse after another. Should I confront him? I know the real reason why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or go anywhere with me is the panic attacks. I completely understand, but he doesn’t have to lie or make excuses. Will it help him if I confront him, address the issue, he then realizing that he is making excuses, or do you think he already knows he’s making excuses? I’m lost. Alaine
Response:
Hey Guys, I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend knows he has panic attacks. He is going to therapy and taking medication, which is a good thing. For the past 2 weeks he’s been pushing me away. He’ll tell me that he wants me to come over, then when I get there he ignores me. I made a suggestion that maybe I should go home and he didn’t want that either. He keep making excuses why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or do anything with me. He’ll say he can’t because he wants to spend time with the cat, or he’ll say he had a beer, it’s just one excuse after another. Should I confront him? I know the real reason why he doesn’t want to come out to my house, or go anywhere with me is the panic attacks. I completely understand, but he doesn’t have to lie or make excuses. Will it help him if I confront him, address the issue, he then realizing that he is making excuses, or do you think he already knows he’s making excuses? I’m lost. Alaine
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