Question:
<gently snipped ::So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical ::imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I ::just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a ::diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are ::essential to my good emotional functioning? When it was decided I need to go on paxil, I was devastated! I expressed my devastation to my GP at the time. She asked me if I felt ashamed at having to take Synthroid everyday for my thyroid. Of course not, I told her! There is no difference, she said. Her comment really put things in perspective for me. I really don’t care what meds I need to take for whatever disorders I have. If they give quality to my life, what more could I ask for? 
I have thrown away many years because of my stubbornness about taking a med for my anxiety. I do not subscribe to needless suffering anymore when there is something that can help me. ::And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say ::about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or ::am I really the person with the drugs? You should see yourself as Louise who takes some meds. Your disorder and meds for it…. do not define who you are as a person. ::I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and ::scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better ::than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my ::therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and ::make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Embrace the fact that you are doing so much better with therapy and meds. Some people aren’t as fortunate. ::BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m ::63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect ::- it’s much more about who am I "really"? and in control as you are now. Sometimes I have to pinch myself as I recover more and more, it’s hard to believe it’s really me Jackie ~*~When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap~*~ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <gently snipped ::So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical ::imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I ::just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a ::diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are ::essential to my good emotional functioning? When it was decided I need to go on paxil, I was devastated! I expressed my devastation to my GP at the time. She asked me if I felt ashamed at having to take Synthroid everyday for my thyroid. Of course not, I told her! There is no difference, she said. Her comment really put things in perspective for me. I really don’t care what meds I need to take for whatever disorders I have. If they give quality to my life, what more could I ask for? I have thrown away many years because of my stubbornness about taking a med for my anxiety. I do not subscribe to needless suffering anymore when there is something that can help me. ::And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say ::about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or ::am I really the person with the drugs? You should see yourself as Louise who takes some meds. Your disorder and meds for it…. do not define who you are as a person. ::I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and ::scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better ::than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my ::therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and ::make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Embrace the fact that you are doing so much better with therapy and meds. Some people aren’t as fortunate. ::BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m ::63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect ::- it’s much more about who am I "really"? and in control as you are now. Sometimes I have to pinch myself as I recover more and more, it’s hard to believe it’s really me Jackie ~*~When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap~*~
That’s a very good point. I’m not sure who I am. I’m constantly looking back at the last hour or so, or event, or exchange….and wondering how I handled it so well. I always worry it wont work the next time – but it is keeping working and I guess I’ll get used to being a functioning grownup sooner or later. Thanks for your help. Louise — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – After many years of being treated primarily with anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy has helped a lot – but the only thing that really worked was illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am also depressed and that’s all they could see. Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin – as much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood. After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a low level, a level I’ve lived with, more or less, for my whole life. you have not indictaed whether you are still on lamactil and an antidepressant-have you been diagnosed with bi polar disorder? The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person who frightens others with her helplessness and terror. So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting upon how well I’m handling it. I know this all sounds great. BUT – I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart – sometimes within an hour or two. how do you know klonopin is wearing off, it has an unusually long half life-some people do report doing better on a three time a day dosing and of course, your dose may still be too low for you-you can discuss this with your doctor I know that when there’s a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how terrified I am for 20 minutes – then I will get a grip and function well. So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? disease is not a chemical imbalance regardless of the media or "new speak" hype-mental illness and emotional problems are often caused by many factors including higghly sensitized nervous systems and or decreased levels of brain amines and or receptors-but it feels comforting to allow for the possibility of"yes you may have a chemical imbalance" but certainly panic disorder is real and a true disability Should I just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a diabetic needs them. most do Should I not worry that they are essential to my good emotional functioning? why would you worry about this-would this mean that one should also be worried that an aspirin relieves their headache? And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or am I really the person with the drugs? ahhh, the crux if you will Who are you really? Are you the same person you were three minutes ago? Technically, no. You are a highly complex ever changing organism-you are not defined by any one single thing, but by many and this definition is arbitrary and ever changing as well. I think what you mean is -is the real you being corrupted by chemicals -the answer is no-since you already are a cluster of many chemicals and your emotions, caused by and influenced by chemicals, is in a state of equilibrium and disequilibrium on a continually changing flux. So it is virtually impossible to answer this-however it is important for you well being to know that there is a predominance of anxiety sufferers who need medication of some sort to function-this in no way compromises who they are, or the integrity of their emotions-their emotions are no more real or unreal as being unmedicated-just more controlled and rationally expressed I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated. BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m 63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect – it’s much more about who am I "really"? you are Louise-on meds a more comfortable and functional Louise btw there is a significant difference between addiction and dependency-those addicted can be seen as not being themselves as their fix becomes their primary reality-you are not using those types of drugs-regardless of what crap you may read on the web Louise Thanks for your detailed and thoughful replies To answer the specific questions: I have not been on lamictal for about 8 months. When I went off of it I felt a little more focused (in a nice way) and I stopped being dizzy – I had been dizzy for the entire 5 years I was on it. My feeling was that it had done little or no good. I have tried many anti-depressants: celexa twice, effexor once, luvox once, and zoloft once. All of them made me feel better for the first week or two. I then became increasingly agitated, irritable almost beyond my control and unable to control my temper. I was diagnosed as hypo-manic once and the other time, a "paradoxical reaction". On both occasions the pdocs involved told me never to use SSRIs again. I have not been diagnosed bipolar but I do have a history of it on my mother’s side (aunt was manic depressive on lithium and mother was just nuts – I think manic). My mother refused to see a psychiatrist although it was recommended by many medical doctorrs. I was told that given my history, I probably have bipolar tendencies and therefore, should stay away from the kindling effect (for me) of SSRIs. I feel the klonopin wear off because I become panicky and begin getting palpitations. I am going to begin dosing 3x day as I think that may work better. Sometimes I think I’m fine but when some small upsetting thing happens, I feel the panic rise up – that’s another way I know it’s wearing off. Louise
one more thing-valium works better for palps then klonopin, as well as using beta blockers or calcium channel blockers — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting upon how well I’m handling it. I know this all sounds great. BUT – I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart – sometimes within an hour or two. I know that when there’s a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how terrified I am for 20 minutes – then I will get a grip and function well. So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a diabetic needs them.
That’s the way I look at the meds I take for panic disorder and recurrant major depression. And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or am I really the person with the drugs?
I think I’m more myself when I’m not suffering or incapacited with anxiety and depression. BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming –
I’ve been on Klonopin for 20 years. It hasn’t made me an addict (my life doesn’t revolve around taking higher and higher doses to get high). I tapered off Klonopin about 8 years ago and started getting panic attacks while driving. So I went back on the Klonopin. I think I"ll need it the rest of my life if I’m going to get my anxiety level down to a fairly comfortable level. Chip — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – After many years of being treated primarily with anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy has helped a lot – but the only thing that really worked was illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am also depressed and that’s all they could see. Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin – as much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood. After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a low level, a level I’ve lived with, more or less, for my whole life. you have not indictaed whether you are still on lamactil and an antidepressant-have you been diagnosed with bi polar disorder? The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person who frightens others with her helplessness and terror. So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting upon how well I’m handling it. I know this all sounds great. BUT – I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart – sometimes within an hour or two. how do you know klonopin is wearing off, it has an unusually long half life-some people do report doing better on a three time a day dosing and of course, your dose may still be too low for you-you can discuss this with your doctor I know that when there’s a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how terrified I am for 20 minutes – then I will get a grip and function well. So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? disease is not a chemical imbalance regardless of the media or "new speak" hype-mental illness and emotional problems are often caused by many factors including higghly sensitized nervous systems and or decreased levels of brain amines and or receptors-but it feels comforting to allow for the possibility of"yes you may have a chemical imbalance" but certainly panic disorder is real and a true disability Should I just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a diabetic needs them. most do Should I not worry that they are essential to my good emotional functioning? why would you worry about this-would this mean that one should also be worried that an aspirin relieves their headache? And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or am I really the person with the drugs? ahhh, the crux if you will Who are you really? Are you the same person you were three minutes ago? Technically, no. You are a highly complex ever changing organism-you are not defined by any one single thing, but by many and this definition is arbitrary and ever changing as well. I think what you mean is -is the real you being corrupted by chemicals -the answer is no-since you already are a cluster of many chemicals and your emotions, caused by and influenced by chemicals, is in a state of equilibrium and disequilibrium on a continually changing flux. So it is virtually impossible to answer this-however it is important for you well being to know that there is a predominance of anxiety sufferers who need medication of some sort to function-this in no way compromises who they are, or the integrity of their emotions-their emotions are no more real or unreal as being unmedicated-just more controlled and rationally expressed I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated. BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m 63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect – it’s much more about who am I "really"? you are Louise-on meds a more comfortable and functional Louise btw there is a significant difference between addiction and dependency-those addicted can be seen as not being themselves as their fix becomes their primary reality-you are not using those types of drugs-regardless of what crap you may read on the web Louise Thanks for your detailed and thoughful replies To answer the specific questions: I have not been on lamictal for about 8 months. When I went off of it I felt a little more focused (in a nice way) and I stopped being dizzy – I had been dizzy for the entire 5 years I was on it. My feeling was that it had done little or no good. I have tried many anti-depressants: celexa twice, effexor once, luvox once, and zoloft once. All of them made me feel better for the first week or two. I then became increasingly agitated, irritable almost beyond my control and unable to control my temper. I was diagnosed as hypo-manic once and the other time, a "paradoxical reaction". On both occasions the pdocs involved told me never to use SSRIs again. I have not been diagnosed bipolar but I do have a history of it on my mother’s side (aunt was manic depressive on lithium and mother was just nuts – I think manic). My mother refused to see a psychiatrist although it was recommended by many medical doctorrs. I was told that given my history, I probably have bipolar tendencies and therefore, should stay away from the kindling effect (for me) of SSRIs. I feel the klonopin wear off because I become panicky and begin getting palpitations. I am going to begin dosing 3x day as I think that may work better. Sometimes I think I’m fine but when some small upsetting thing happens, I feel the panic rise up – that’s another way I know it’s wearing off. Louise
that same kindling is why you begin to respond to things (stressors) with increased anxiety-If you can learn to use those stressors as inervators or activators to then take action to reduce that anxiety you may find that you manage things better. I use my own proclivity for anxiety to activate myself to sometimes incredible levels of energy and productivity-of course once the level of anxiety reaches panic stages problem solving skills and productivity goes out the window-I strongly recommend rebt-give it a try and practice it with as much effort as you would any skill you want to master — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – After many years of being treated primarily with anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy has helped a lot – but the only thing that really worked was illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am also depressed and that’s all they could see. Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin – as much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood. After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a low level, a level I’ve lived with, more or less, for my whole life. you have not indictaed whether you are still on lamactil and an antidepressant-have you been diagnosed with bi polar disorder? The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person who frightens others with her helplessness and terror. So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting upon how well I’m handling it. I know this all sounds great. BUT – I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart – sometimes within an hour or two. how do you know klonopin is wearing off, it has an unusually long half life-some people do report doing better on a three time a day dosing and of course, your dose may still be too low for you-you can discuss this with your doctor I know that when there’s a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how terrified I am for 20 minutes – then I will get a grip and function well. So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? disease is not a chemical imbalance regardless of the media or "new speak" hype-mental illness and emotional problems are often caused by many factors including higghly sensitized nervous systems and or decreased levels of brain amines and or receptors-but it feels comforting to allow for the possibility of"yes you may have a chemical imbalance" but certainly panic disorder is real and a true disability Should I just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a diabetic needs them. most do Should I not worry that they are essential to my good emotional functioning? why would you worry about this-would this mean that one should also be worried that an aspirin relieves their headache? And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or am I really the person with the drugs? ahhh, the crux if you will Who are you really? Are you the same person you were three minutes ago? Technically, no. You are a highly complex ever changing organism-you are not defined by any one single thing, but by many and this definition is arbitrary and ever changing as well. I think what you mean is -is the real you being corrupted by chemicals -the answer is no-since you already are a cluster of many chemicals and your emotions, caused by and influenced by chemicals, is in a state of equilibrium and disequilibrium on a continually changing flux. So it is virtually impossible to answer this-however it is important for you well being to know that there is a predominance of anxiety sufferers who need medication of some sort to function-this in no way compromises who they are, or the integrity of their emotions-their emotions are no more real or unreal as being unmedicated-just more controlled and rationally expressed I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated. BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m 63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect – it’s much more about who am I "really"? you are Louise-on meds a more comfortable and functional Louise btw there is a significant difference between addiction and dependency-those addicted can be seen as not being themselves as their fix becomes their primary reality-you are not using those types of drugs-regardless of what crap you may read on the web Louise
Thanks for your detailed and thoughful replies To answer the specific questions: I have not been on lamictal for about 8 months. When I went off of it I felt a little more focused (in a nice way) and I stopped being dizzy – I had been dizzy for the entire 5 years I was on it. My feeling was that it had done little or no good. I have tried many anti-depressants: celexa twice, effexor once, luvox once, and zoloft once. All of them made me feel better for the first week or two. I then became increasingly agitated, irritable almost beyond my control and unable to control my temper. I was diagnosed as hypo-manic once and the other time, a "paradoxical reaction". On both occasions the pdocs involved told me never to use SSRIs again. I have not been diagnosed bipolar but I do have a history of it on my mother’s side (aunt was manic depressive on lithium and mother was just nuts – I think manic). My mother refused to see a psychiatrist although it was recommended by many medical doctorrs. I was told that given my history, I probably have bipolar tendencies and therefore, should stay away from the kindling effect (for me) of SSRIs. I feel the klonopin wear off because I become panicky and begin getting palpitations. I am going to begin dosing 3x day as I think that may work better. Sometimes I think I’m fine but when some small upsetting thing happens, I feel the panic rise up – that’s another way I know it’s wearing off. Louise — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -After many years of being treated primarily with anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy has helped a lot – but the only thing that really worked was illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am also depressed and that’s all they could see. Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin – as much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood. After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a low level, a level I’ve lived with, more or less, for my whole life.
you have not indictaed whether you are still on lamactil and an antidepressant-have you been diagnosed with bi polar disorder? The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person who frightens others with her helplessness and terror. So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting upon how well I’m handling it. I know this all sounds great. BUT – I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart – sometimes within an hour or two.
how do you know klonopin is wearing off, it has an unusually long half life-some people do report doing better on a three time a day dosing and of course, your dose may still be too low for you-you can discuss this with your doctor I know that when there’s a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how terrified I am for 20 minutes – then I will get a grip and function well. So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes?
disease is not a chemical imbalance regardless of the media or "new speak" hype-mental illness and emotional problems are often caused by many factors including higghly sensitized nervous systems and or decreased levels of brain amines and or receptors-but it feels comforting to allow for the possibility of"yes you may have a chemical imbalance" but certainly panic disorder is real and a true disability Should I just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a diabetic needs them.
most do Should I not worry that they are essential to my good emotional functioning?
why would you worry about this-would this mean that one should also be worried that an aspirin relieves their headache? And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or am I really the person with the drugs?
ahhh, the crux if you will Who are you really? Are you the same person you were three minutes ago? Technically, no. You are a highly complex ever changing organism-you are not defined by any one single thing, but by many and this definition is arbitrary and ever changing as well. I think what you mean is -is the real you being corrupted by chemicals -the answer is no-since you already are a cluster of many chemicals and your emotions, caused by and influenced by chemicals, is in a state of equilibrium and disequilibrium on a continually changing flux. So it is virtually impossible to answer this-however it is important for you well being to know that there is a predominance of anxiety sufferers who need medication of some sort to function-this in no way compromises who they are, or the integrity of their emotions-their emotions are no more real or unreal as being unmedicated-just more controlled and rationally expressed I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated. BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m 63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect – it’s much more about who am I "really"?
you are Louise-on meds a more comfortable and functional Louise btw there is a significant difference between addiction and dependency-those addicted can be seen as not being themselves as their fix becomes their primary reality-you are not using those types of drugs-regardless of what crap you may read on the web Louise
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
True Louise, at 63 years old, dependency would be the last thing on my mind. I hv been on benzodiazepines for the better part of 20 years and will take them the remainder of my life. I have always considered the quality of my life much more important than the quantity. These meds have helped me live a relatively normal productive life. I thank God that medicines like these exist. I am also on an AD too btw. Valium and Lexapro seem to be working well for me at the moment. As an adjunct to the pharmacotherapy, I also exercise moderately, drink plenty of water, try to eat well and limit my junk food intake (hardest thing to do of all), and I meditate twice per day. Klonopin is a very good med. It worked well for me for over 12 years. HTH Carl
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – After many years of being treated primarily with anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy has helped a lot – but the only thing that really worked was illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am also depressed and that’s all they could see. Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin – as much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood. After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a low level, a level I’ve lived with, more or less, for my whole life. The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person who frightens others with her helplessness and terror. So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting upon how well I’m handling it. I know this all sounds great. BUT – I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart – sometimes within an hour or two. I know that when there’s a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how terrified I am for 20 minutes – then I will get a grip and function well. So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are essential to my good emotional functioning? And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or am I really the person with the drugs? I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated. BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m 63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect – it’s much more about who am I "really"? Louise — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
After many years of being treated primarily with anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy has helped a lot – but the only thing that really worked was illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am also depressed and that’s all they could see. Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin – as much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood. After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a low level, a level I’ve lived with, more or less, for my whole life. The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person who frightens others with her helplessness and terror. So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting upon how well I’m handling it. I know this all sounds great. BUT – I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart – sometimes within an hour or two. I know that when there’s a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how terrified I am for 20 minutes – then I will get a grip and function well. So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are essential to my good emotional functioning? And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or am I really the person with the drugs? I’m sorry for how long this is, but it’s very confusing and scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and make use of, what I’ve learned in therapy. Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated. BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming – I’m 63 years old and I’m not sure I care much about that aspect – it’s much more about who am I "really"? Louise — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
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